It's a Wednesday night, and my boyfriend and I are drinking wine and making out in the back booth of a dimly lit bar. I spend half a second staring at the diamond on my engagement ring before hiding my hand from my sight line. The kids are in bed," I say, then put my phone in my purse and pull my boyfriend toward me.I was only 19—had I gotten pregnant, my entire life would have been narrowed to what I saw as two options: impoverishing and tremendously difficult single-motherhood, or kill what I knew to be my own child. Between such dread, confusion, and pain, hooking up had made my life hellish.Neither choice at all easy or desirable, I felt trapped. By the time I got my period that month, my “experimenting” with casual sex was officially over.My wife still tells me she finds me physically attractive and I exercise regularly to keep fit and stay attractive to her so I know that my appearance isn't the issue.We've had many discussions about this subject and my wife knows how frustrated I have become but she tells me she just no longer has the interest in sex that she once had.
This sexual narrative was supposed to assert my autonomy, but I felt anything but empowered after a condom mishap.Looking for Love and Sex Online is Old News For the better part of the past two decades online bulletin boards like Craigslist, dating websites such as e Harmony and Match.com, and endless pay-for-play sexual hookup websites have provided the single, lonely, horny, cheating, or simply bored man or woman with the fastest and most direct route to meet, date, romance, and/or simply have sex. As modern life has shifted away from the home or office-based computers and become all about the smartphone, we now have apps that allow us to literally "hook-up" on the go.Smartphone "friend finder" apps like Ashley Madison (for marrieds and partnered individuals seeking "out of the roost" sex), Skout and Blendr (for single straight men and women), Grindr (to find male-male partners) or Pink Cupid (to find lesbians and bisexual partners) -- among many others -- are actually friend finders . households now own at least one smartphone, it seems reasonable to assume that increasing numbers of people are eagerly following this app-created breadcrumb trail to sex with strangers wherever and whenever time and circumstances allow.The idea of the 21st century woman making her own sexual narrative sounded enticing. The real clincher seems so cliche in retrospect: the women who had no-strings-attached sex enjoyed enviable celebrity among men. I think I met the guy at a theme park, and I invited him to meet me at a club. He was concerned and called the next day to see if I was okay. I remember feeling smug about it, as if in successfully caring less than him I had somehow “won” the game.But we didn’t even make it inside—I wasn’t interested in that. I proceeded to hook up with many more men in short order, chasing an illusive thrill. Most of the guys couldn’t tell the difference between moans of pleasure and groans of pain, or didn’t care.An open marriage is transparent, with agreed-upon rules and an understanding of what both parties will and will not do with others. I recognize what Frank and Claire Underwood have in although I like to think my husband and I aren't as soulless as their characters.But there are similarities: We know the other has secrets, but we don't care to find out more. He was the only boyfriend I've ever told the truth to about how many men I'd slept with, because I believed that no matter what I said, he'd never judge me. After about six months of late-night booty calls, Dave and I settled into a proper relationship and started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. After not hearing from him for an evening, I'd go ballistic.Ok, so I know many of the people reading this are going to judge me and HATE me and I'm sorry for offending you, but I am only on here to look for guidance and advice.I am a 40 year-old married white male who has been married to my wife for 12 years (together for 16) and have always been faithful to her but circumstances have forced me to look for a woman on the side. When I first met my wife, she had a voracious appetite for sex and since my drive was also strong we had an amazing sex life right from the beginning of our relationship.More accurately, these more accurately named, "sex-finder" apps are designed to help you geo-locate an immediately available, readily accessible romantic or sexual partner much in the same way that Yelp or Citysearch will direct you to a nearby four star sushi bar or Italian deli with a good smartphone and the flick of your index finger. Once downloaded and opened, sex finder apps bring up an instant photo grid of potentially available sex partners, presorted by location, gender, age and/or sexual preference -- all on your smartphone screen.In crowded urban areas these apps often locate multiple people within a mere few hundred feet!